Love: A state of mind

You can't forget the pain, you just have to make a room for it.
- The Walking Dead

April 27th, 2011. Wednesday morning. In the middle of our fight, my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years texted to say that he's breaking up with me. Irreconcilable differences and mixed up priorities: that's what hit us. At that time, it was no big deal because we used to have break up bluffs before but we were able to fix our issues and manage to be together again. I just let that day pass because I'm sure it was just one of those days when mood swings are everywhere and he just wants to get a breather.

Thursday morning. We talked about what happened. I'm surprised to hear that he's not going to change his mind, he's really serious about breaking up! I froze. I didn't know what to do. I was caught off-guard. All that just happened in a breeze. How can someone throw all the years away in just one day without even trying to put up the broken pieces together again? That's impossible. "what's the matter? where did that came from? where did I go wrong?" Those questions kept shooting at the back of my head.

During that time, all I knew was cry and pray. I was hoping that my tears will clear all the negative things that I was feeling. I always tell the Lord to give me strength so that I can go on with my life without looking back.

The first 6 months after the break up was really a struggle. You still love each other but you can't be together anymore. I tried all means possible to move on but it turned out that I was not actually facing my fear, I was just trying to get away from it all like a coward. Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.

Those were the days

Our love was really something. We started out as classmates in college and eventually became lovers. He's not just my boyfriend; he is also my best friend. One thing that really kept us together is food. What I like he also likes. I'm an amateur foodie and so is he. We like to explore different cuisines that delight our taste buds. Japanese goods are our favorite. I was actually the one who introduced it to him. We were inseparable. We look like twins; literally and figuratively. We look alike. We were faced with many hardships and trials but we were able to make it. Well, for 4 years at least.

Reality Bites

So much for that. Back to reality. He is gone. I failed to win him back despite my efforts to keep us together. At present, we are still friends. Both of us doesn't have any romantic commitments yet. We still text and see each other at times. I am still his "biik" and so is he to me but now, we just regard each other as best friends only. 

Moving Forward

I'm still bitter about what happened but I always believe that when one door closes another one opens. I guess the best way to move forward is to accept the reality that things are over and it's all for the best. even if you still see each other sometimes, don't put any extra meaning into it. Moving on is a gradual process. You cannot erase in one day something that you had for years. We are still open with the possibility of being back together someday but right now we are contented in focusing on our individual dreams and priorities. 

Things to ponder

We should learn to love ourselves first so that others can see the good in us and love us back in return.